And just like that, a woman is throwing herself at me with offers of fulfilling my most hidden sexual desires. She even texted me graphic pictures of herself to entice me into coming over to spend the night.

My mind raced. All my male hormones and testosterone kicked into high gear. Flashing through my imagination was all of the things I would do. It was an offer that was too good to be true!

Then the breaks went on.

You would think that I would jump at the chance.

All I could think about was how much I wasn’t really interested in her offer. My stomach churned thinking of being that intimate with someone other than the woman I seem to have lost my head over.

Not that I have been much for casual sex since I grew out of the silly thinking that casual sex was casual.

I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want a meaningless relationship. I am so tired of relating to women on a simple and pseudo safe level. I want to bond with someone. I want to share my real thoughts and my raw feelings. I want to be truly safe.

Isn’t that what most folks want?

Am I alone in this?

I can’t be.

You want it too don’t you? You want to be in a relationship with someone that really knows who you are. You want to connect at a level that allows for true intimacy… that intimacy that doesn’t involve sex. Intimacy that is between two people able to feel together and think together, laugh together and cry together; Intimacy that comes from being safe enough to be completely honest about your innermost everything.

If you, or I, or anyone could experience even a decent degree of that, wouldn’t it be worth the risk of getting hurt?

Casual sex… Not for me. It’s just too easy.

There is something wrong with me.

I have never been this hung up on a girl before. How do you fall in love with a girl who won’t date you?

Jee wiz… am I in love?

It sure feels like it. Butterflies when I hear her voice; a deep and sincere interest in her thoughts and feelings; longing to be close to her; excitement in my heart when she enters my field of vision; when she smiles, I go week…

I can not get her out of my head.

I have tried dating other people, tried making up my mind to not date her. Neither has changed or even hampered my soul’s decision to fall for her. My heart defies me… treacherous… deceitful.

I always fault women for making broken choices in men. Here I am all twisted up by someone unattainable. It makes me crazy. Damn irony…

I have worked along side this woman for a year and we have chemistry. I can feel it, others can feel it, and I really believe that she can feel it. I am leaving our office to a satellite office elsewhere in the city due to a promotion of sorts. I am definitely excited by the project and yet I must admit that a big part of why I choose to leave is to put some professional distance between us. Maybe with that space, something can happen.

I don’t know…

What I do know is that the way it is today, nothing is going to happen. Working in the next office makes it hard to see each other outside of the confines of work. Simply because after eight hours next to each other, the prospects of going to see a movie are… slightly codependent. We all need space.

So will moving on make the possibilities of dating a reality? I have NO idea. But I do know that if there is any chance, it lays in the distance I put between us.

Regardless of the chaos in my soul, I would rather be pining longfuly than not be her friend…

I think I have a disease.

Okay. 

Back on the horse. 

I may not understand why women do what they do or pick who they pick but I am not willing to let it make me question my sexual preference or anything. 

I refuse to believe that I am supposed to be single forever or settle for something less than what I seek. It may be that either is true but I am not willing to go there yet. 

I still really have a torch for this girl… the one that broke my heart. We’re still in the same place that we were before, I am really interested and she doesn’t know if she is. I think she is and if she could take a leap of faith with me I know that it would be fantastic. 

Now then… I don’t have eternal confidence that she will take that leap so I am not closing the door on anything else that comes along.  

It’s funny you know… If I meet a woman and dig them, we become friends. If I get a glimpse that I would like to date her, I have NO problem saying so. I am open and straight forward. On the other hand, no amount of openness and straight forwardness gives me enough of a courage boost to walk up to someone I am not friends with and say… “Hey, will you have dinner with me?”

Why is it safer to ask a friend? 

What is that about? I would think that it would be harder with a friend because the rejection has more impact if (or when) she says no yet being unwanted by a stranger cuts far deeper in the moment.

Fear is funny. I thought it had something to do with it being riskier to ask a stranger than a friend. When I think about the women that I have dated (or wanted to date) through the course of friendship, though, I realize that the rejection practically mauls me and suffocates me. It is not quick and only in few ways does it not feel like a break up. 

Maybe I need to risk asking less familiar folks and risking the chance that I won’t like them. I don’t want to get attached to a girl only to find out that there are deal breakers.  

Then again… Maybe my deal breakers are out dated. Is a family (read - children: at least one) REALLY that important? 

Ug… 

Yes.

 They are. 

Okay… Off I go on my trusty stead, looking for my princess!  

More dates in one night than many go on in a year. At the ring of a bell, folks spend 3 minutes on a mini date while rating their new friend on a score card. When all is said and done, you submit the names of those you’re interested in seeing again (for longer than 3 minutes, hopefully) and if they have also expressed an interest in you, the company forwards the information.

I don’t know if three minutes is enough time to find out if there is any chemistry nor am I convinced that in 3 minutes, one can formulate “interest” based on anything but sex. 25Dates says otherwise.

25Dates.com is a speed dating service that holds events all over in Vancouver. This video was originally broadcast on Breakfast Television and gives a basic example of what to expect as well as some testimonial…

I’m not going to lie.

I am a bit JADED.

It’s hard not to be sometimes. I live in a city where women outnumber men (albeit slightly). You would think that finding someone to settle down with would be, at the very least, less than impossible.

At the risk of sounding egomaniacal, which I assure you I am definitely not, I am a good and decent guy. I am a bit over weight. Who isn’t these days? I am also secure in myself, self aware, trustworthy, honest, strong, sensitive, loyal, intelligent and not afraid of commitment. I am a fantastic listener, comfortable communicating, straight up and down to earth with no fear of commitment. I am a professional with a great career that I am passionate about. At 32 years old, my life has been diverse and interesting.

When it comes to what I am looking for, it’s simple really. I want to meet a woman who, for whatever reason, I feel safe with.

I have met three women like this in ten years. All three I have begun with as friends and shortly found that I could trust them. We rarely, if ever, have fought. Admittedly, the strong connection is mutual. These three wonderful people are my best friends today and I would probably marry any of them; yet with the exception of one short relationship, not one will date me.

I honestly don’t get it.

The real confusing part is that not one of them knows why either.

So here I am, fresh with the heartbreak of number three’s inability to articulate one good reason why we shouldn’t date. The self esteem is pretty beet up because I am quite hard on myself. I wonder if there is something wrong with me or if I am in denial and picking the wrong women. I find my thought drifting to the question…

Am I supposed to be alone forever?

Seriously, maybe the part I am missing is that I am not supposed to find that relationship I crave so deeply. Maybe I am supposed to settle on a relationship with someone that I don’t feel that connection with…

Maybe women are just bloody CRAZY.

My plan?

I am going to write about being single in Vancouver; Metro Vancouver really. I am going to poor my heart out as it comes right here in this blog and hope that people will comment, identify or (and this is the big one) have the answer.

So lets get this show on the road…